Dreamer of dreams, born out of my due time.
Why should I try to set straight the crooked path?
- William Morris -
There is sanctity here. All around me is darkness. Oh, my beloved darkness. It encompasses the world about me, filling me up to no lovely end. It was this blackness from whence I came. It is only natural that I return...though the circumstances as to why I had to return do not please me.
But there is safety here. Sweet rest. If I were to close my eyes and never open them again, that would satisfy me. But far greater than the need for me to heal and rest my body and my soul, (which have never known such an invasion of pain before!) is the need for me to seek revenge.
Oh, I understand how strong the power of temptation and revenge is! Before this, before I was reduced to how I am presently, I was the master of that emotion! It was I that inspired it in others. It was I who courted the emotion until I knew it intimately and was able to coax its secrets out of it as I did, so that I could employ it for my own ends. It was I that was able to invade the dreams of the living and influence them as I did.
Perhaps those times are past, but I know that I shall have them again, and in the meantime, what sustains me is the memory.
How the memory is a double trap! It enables you to remember all that has past, and it is the past in that you cannot change what has happened. Perhaps that is where my anger stems from. Perhaps that is where I fall short of my perfection... That I was not able to control what was within my power to control. But the past was what it was, I know that I can influence the future and that soon, things shall all be different and that I will again triumph! But what will my victory cost me? I have an inkling as to what it will demand, but I will not think on that now. Until then, there is time enough that I shall remember of all that happened before...
Evil has always been there. It shall always be there. It must exist, as surely as love does. There cannot be one without the other. If there was no such thing as evil, how could love be measured against it? How could there even be the misguided conception that love is the better of the two forces?
That is something that she will not accept. I know that she understands it, but I know also that she does not accept it. It is with pure sadness that I recall her reaction when I told her of this, but she didn't believe me.
I feel the twin emotions of love and loathing still writhing against one another within my soul. That I could love. I! I have always hated love. I loved to hate it! Love was what made the world weak, foolish and deluded. I saw the despicable nature imbued by love. It wrought those terrible spectres of compassion, pity, empathy and far worst of all - selflessness. All those worthless attributes that love and heaven advocate.
How they can continue to exist defies all reason. Such sentiments are morally rendered. Such emotions do not exist in nature itself. Never once did I know of a wolf turn away from its prey because the prey turned to the wolf and begged for it to spare its life.
That is not the way of nature. Nature is perfect, it is like I am. I, like nature, know of no judge, no jury and it is a self-completing thing that is self-sustainable and needs no concept "love".
It was only when Man developed such concepts as the emotions that impurity infiltrated the world.
I am no different than the wolf. I am the same as it is. I may hunt and kill, but it is not just for mere pleasure, it is within my nature. It is in all of our nature. I recall the looks of those that closed in on me when they thought that they could kill me. How animalistic they looked with their glittering eyes and salivating jaws. They were no different than I am, in that moment. They call me "evil" only because it serves their own ends. It will render them guiltless to kill me, if they can tell themselves that I am evil.
Emotions can be erroneous. While they can empower the individual with the ability to kill, a most brutal act, the price of their conscious demands that they either feel guilt or remorse. Thus, humans must devise a way to do away with that burdensome yoke of guilt that they are made to carry. Evil is just a concept (as is love), that Man has invented to lessen their obligation to guilt, which is borne out of his conscious. To lay the prodigal blame on something "because it is evil" makes them less responsible for their actions.
I am not as such. I exist differently. I know that there is no difference between evil and love, save the conception of it. They were both formulated for the same reasons! Evil is only evil to Love when it is judged by it. Just as love is evil to Evil, when judged by it.
Once one can understand and accept this notion, then they can be tolerate of both states that exist. I believe in such a thing. That there can exist both within me. But the rest of the world cannot. They feel that there can only be loyalty to one or the other. That is where they have their failing...because they will never be able to master that other potential source of strength that ultimately flows from that which they oppose.
Ah, power! Perhaps it comes down to that moreso than anything else! In flawless nature, that war even exists. That there must always exist the master and the slave. And none want to be the slave by nature. I am no slave. I answer to none, save myself.
But that is where Man is different! By accepting the estate of a moral and conscious-ridden being, he sets himself up to be the slave to fate, whimsy, kismet, god, destiny...whatever he places his trust in to guide his life. Foolish humans! How they do not realize the potential of all that they could be! Instead, they willingly consign their lives over to the lesser powers that do not truly even truly rule them. I see the waste that they give themselves over to.
I am all but shocked at how placidly humans will make themselves the martyrs. But that weakness in them becomes my strength. That is where I can slip in and lay the trap to ensnare them. In all truth, while I have despised Love in the past, I also owe it a debt. In that in it can undermine, make vulnerable my prey and let me move in for the kill. It is only those that will give themselves over to "evil" that truly live. They can understand so much more then! They can come to the fount of all evil and drink from its waters and never suffer thirst again.
This is the remembrance that fulfils me now. Everything is made right in those instances. Everything is given over to perfect clarity then and there is no want for anything. I suppose that it might be equivalent to the state of heaven, which I have indeed experienced. It was a brief moment, but at the same time, I cannot rid it from my memory and it fills my body with a curious warmth that no fire could ever fill me with. It was in that moment that I loved Love for what it had bestowed upon me.
Ah! My bitter, forsworn enemy that came to me and offered itself to me in the fragile fleshed frame of a human girl. If I close my eyes for a second, even if it is to blink, I would see her image in my mind-eye's, even in that instantaneous blackness. Forever, her earthly visage will be emblazed in my mind and I will see her. Should even aeons pass till there is no remembrance of me in the world, I know that I will be drawn to her still.
What the attraction? What the appeal? I do not know. For had I not always viewed soul-less Man as the fool, deserving no better than death for his inferiority? I held no fondness for the hairless mammal that devastated the earth with its wars (through which I was able to work my will!) and destruction that he is too blind to realize that one day will destroy him! Pity for the enemy! It was not a viable idea to me. It was nonsensical.
So why the enticement to the girl? Perhaps it was because I had never thought to place Love (or rather, the ideal of it) into a solid, living-breathing frame of reality. To love aerial dogmas and cruxes are of one matter, to later be able to identify Love with one tangible, concrete form is another.
To find those qualities that I had never valued much, encased in mortal shell that moved and lived and thought in accordance to its own will and violation, was perhaps the novelty - the intrigue. Perhaps I will never know. Perhaps I am meant NOT to know. Either way, the end is the same. It was instant infatuation. I am not as meek a slave to mere emotions as is Man (though one might argue that my present situation has been brought about by my emotional state!) I was able to recognize that I felt towards her was the attraction of what I did not truly understand. That it was still not even a state of mind that I truly understood for all of its grandeur.
But as I tried to deny it in myself, I felt the fires of passion that lay in me, be fanned by all the ages of denial that I had so happily given myself over to forever before. I saw in her the potential not only for my own realization of Love, but also for her to give herself over to evilness. To change her, and in the process, be changed myself! What an unknown thing! And where Man fears the unknown, I do not. I would rather know it then dismiss its potential!
I was ignorant as to why Man loved as he did, even though it made him so pathetically weak! Even when I saw how much Man could love; as when that foolish boy risked his life and limb for her, I saw the reflection of my own flaw. That I had never loved that much...let alone ever been able to love at all. I was determined then and there to know of love, to try and understand its power...its merit and worth, if there even was any to be found in it. I did not fail to see it resurface time and time again.
Even when she said she would stay with me forever the first time, it was because she loved the world even so that she would give up her own precious freedom to live with a "monster". Then, again, when I gave her the choice as to her freedom, or to the release of all those thousands of souls, there was no doubt within me as to which one she would pick. And, had the situation been different, I know that she would have given me the word to save her little lover when I had him at my mercy.
Yes, all these instances convinced me not only of the power of love, but also of its appeal. If there was none, why else would she have pursed it so relentlessly? And so, I was determined to have her love and understand it. But realize, that I had never loved before! I knew of no other way of winning it from her, the way I won all my other gains! Lying, trickery, deceit! How well they had worked for me in the past. Had my lodestars not afforded me so much? How was I to know that they would not work on her, via securing her love? I knew of no other ways, not other arts other than my dark mastery in achieving the ends that I wanted so badly. My "evil" ways as she so erringly called them, were not wrong for me to employ. Why, one with my conceivable position of power did not hold onto that power with the gentle, flimsy grasp of gentleness. My subjects have always expected my heavy hand. They came to need it. That was how they best serve. There must always be those that serve!
But where I thought that she, her love might serve me, I was sorely mistaking. I was wrong to think that she would obey me with the yawning, spine-less manner that all the others I commanded responded with.
No. She was like the dart in my liver, the troublesome pebble under-foot. She defied, disobeyed me, angered, bested and goaded me incessentantly. But despite all that, despite her defiance which I would have done away with, if it had been anyone else, her resistance inveigled me sorely until I was no better than her slave.
Never to let her know that, though! Never admit fault or weakness in the face of the enemy! It is one of the clearest rules of survival! But I loved her like I loved the lioness ~ oftimes she is more powerful than the male of her species, but she submits to him all the same. She was my beautiful lioness, in all aspects...with the carnal appetites and her wild, untamed, unbending spirit. Even in the end, when I was suffering the injuries of the boy's sword, when I called out to her, I could see that she was wavering. I could see that she was almost on the brink of helping me. If only I had had more time and then, perhaps I might have won her over, finally not out of force, but because she wanted to help me. I can still see her there, her eyes wide-open and staring at me, my blood infusing with hers to make her all the more mine. It had all been within reach...
There is a terrible futility in reliving the past, no matter how appealing it is. What's done is done. Gone is gone. Past is past. I cannot change the past, of course, but I can plot the future. I can look at the stars again, I can glimpse into the minds of Men to know what is transpiring in that world that is so far out of my reach. I can wait. I will have the patience of the spider, as it waits on its web. I will have power again. It is not gone, though it may be past. I will be reborn. I will conquer again!
All of the world is of cycle. There is constant renewal, rebirth. I have known peoples, civilizations to come and go, only to be reborn - discovered again. As will my purpose.
I know that those that defeated me are rejoicing right now at my demise. How vain it is of them to think that they can vanquish me! I am a being of power that they cannot even comprehend! Let them have their hey-day, though. Let them think that they have won. Let them dance and play in a world that they think is free of my influence. It will only make my return all the more bittersweet! The time shall come again!
Until then, I will rest and heal. Nurse the wounds that I suffered affliction of under love. I will know of peaceful nothingness for a time. I will be free of constraint and duty. I will harden myself up to the point of invincibility. There is time enough. Let the world go on. I know my place in it.
I know that I can conquer even this. It will eventually all fall into place, and I will be able to take her, finally. Until then, I will hold her image in my mind like a bright and shining star in the sea of endless pitch. So close, yet so unreachable. Even if there is nothing else in this dark stillness, I will hold that image dearly until I can seek such a time to obtain its sweet reality. I want nothing more than obliviation right now. Let it come.
The darkness is rising in dark, obscuring waves that mute out everything. There is no pain to be felt, no sound to be heard, no more thoughts to be thought. I surrender myself to the darkness as I only can. As I only must. Ah, my darkness. My dearest darkness. My first true love. It will empower me again!
And it will go on!